


Ghosts

by EgoDominusTuus



Series: Like Good Soldiers [15]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Animal Rescue, Bonding, Game Spoilers, Gen, Gen 2 Synth, Ghost In The Machine, Immediately after "Dangerous Minds", Kellogg's in Nick's head, Memories, Nick adopts Kellogg's wolf, Possible Suicidal Tendencies, Psychic Bond, Psychic Wolves, Psychic Wolves For Lupercalia, Two Survivors AU, mentions of animal abuse, re-bonding, synthetics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 05:05:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5992618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EgoDominusTuus/pseuds/EgoDominusTuus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes memories hit him so strong, and he'd forget that's what they were.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ghosts

I’d never had a wolf, but Nick Valentine had. I had memories of a large brother named Noir, a dark brown coat and bright blue eyes. I remembered running with him, and knowing that he would always have my back. I could remember being wrapped up in the pack-sense so strong that there was nothing I couldn’t handle.

  I could remember sensations of a wolf-brother that never was - not for me. Not for a synth. But the memory was there; some nights, I would wake with my hand out, stretching to brush against warm fur that smelled like _cinnamon and newspaper_ … only to remember that the brother that I missed had been dead for hundreds of years, and I wasn’t really Nick Valentine after all. I was just a robot with his memories, and whoever I was…

  I’d never really had a brother at all. The thought was almost as hollow in my chest as the circuits that kept me moving. I wasn’t a gen-3 synth, so I didn’t have a perfectly articulated heart to try to convince me that I was human. I knew what I was, and I knew what I wasn’t.

   But sometimes those memories came on so strong that for just a moment, I’d forget. I relished those precious moments, because I felt _whole._ I lived my life as a man who I _wasn’t_ , feeling emotions that _weren’t mine_ , with a vendetta for a woman that I’d never _actually loved_ … and the longing for a wolf-brother whose fur I’d never stroked.

  On nights that those memories were too strong, I’d lose myself to my work. It was the only thing that I could do to shift the gears in my head to something else. Feeling whole in brief flashes of memory, only to experience the devastating loss of that wholeness never having existed was almost too much to bare.

  Some days, I wondered how I even functioned. Gen-2 synths weren’t designed to have the capability to bond with a wolf. We didn’t have the brain structure or… soul… or whatever it required. I was haunted by the ghost of something that my frame wasn’t even meant to experience. I needed to put Nick Valentine’s memory to rest - maybe then, I could be whoever _I_ was… and maybe then, the teasing sensation of a pack-bond that a Gen 2 synth could **never** have would stop haunting my dreams.

 

\---

 

   Silas King and Quinn had helped me to chase down my past ghosts, tried to convince me that I was a man my own… and I’d repaid them in kind by helping them rifle through the brain of the man who had killed their wives. Circuit to circuit, I’d connected with his memories… and for a moment, Nick Valentine was shoved aside - I was Kellogg, and I was pissed that this was how it had ended, but happy that I could finally let go of a world that had been holding on to me for too long. I’d wanted this, on some strange level. And the only thing that hurt was that I was leaving Nakoma behind. Who would my wolf-sister run with now? I’d saved her from a group of raiders, who thought she was too small to bond, too useless to keep around.

  They’d been using her for supermutant bait, and I could hear the tiny snarls of fury that her small frame let out. Even though she was facing death, she was going to fight.

  That ferocity called to me, and I’d taken the camp out in a few moments - disorganized bastards that they were. Blood stained her white fur, so I’d picked her up and carefully stowed her into my jacket. My mind was spinning, my head sinking forward into the pain of her wounds until I could feel them against my own limbs, across my neck. She wouldn’t whimper though, but nuzzled against the scent of _sweat and leather_ like I was a lifeline that she’d been waiting for all along.

   Nakoma was my little warrior, and she had always been underestimated. Yellow-white fur stuck out like sweet down-fuzz, and soft yellow-brown eyes made her seem innocent. She could slink in and out without being caught, and her sharp teeth were nimble and quick to go for the throat. I felt companionship with her for the first time since I’d lost my family - and when the Institute had made _improvements_ to keep me alive, I made sure that they made them for her as well. As long as no one took her out, Nakoma wasn’t going to die.

  When I went into hiding from Silas King and his companion Quinn… I did the hardest thing I’d ever had to do - I locked Nakoma out, ordering her to go hunting. She hadn’t understood, and I could feel her terrified and lonely on the edge of my mind when I pulled a gun on the green eyed Quinn, letting a bullet take him in the shoulder - Silas King’s face contorted into a mixture of regret and rage, and he raised his rifle… and-

   _Sweat and leather._

The voice was an echo in my head, but I didn’t know where it was coming from. I woke from the dream - though Kellogg was still a fresh and crisp though in my mind. Quinn and Silas were giving me odd looks, like they’d just seen a ghost. I made excuses, and made my way outside.

   _Something was calling to me._

   Goodneighbor was fenced in, and I could feel that presence lurking around the edge, pacing, circling, expectant and confused all at once. My memories twisted and clashed - I _knew_ what this felt like - I knew it doubly over now. I could remember Noir, hard and crisp in my mind - a calming presence that let me know he was there. I could remember Nakoma, sweet and light, a soft assurance that someone would always have my back. The memories dueled one another for dominance, but they were being shredded and ripped apart by the new, ever present _now_ , the sensation of _anxiety_ and _disbelief_ that was stalking around the edge of Goodneighbor like a tidal wave threatening to crash onto shore.

I was swept up in that sensation, and I spilled out of the gates without further thought. My footsteps carried me around the edge of the fence - and then there was a blur of yellowed white and teeth at my throat.

   **_Not_ ** _sweat and leather._ Those teeth didn’t clamp down though, and I could feel the small body atop me awash with confusion and terror and hope.

   _How._

Her scent flooded me, _dust and fresh air_ \- and it wasn’t _cinnamon and newspaper…_ but it felt more real, and more like home than that memory ever had.

   _Metal and musk…_ her mind was a soft brush against mine, and I could hear the timid desire in her voice for this to be real. She released my throat, and her nose pressed to the synthetic covering on my face. _Sweat and leather?_

She was Kellogg's wolf - I recognized the face perfectly from the memories that had been instilled into my mainframe. She was Kellogg's wolf, but she wasn't just that. Not anymore. She was mine, too. It was a hot, thick knowledge that settled itself into the deepest part of my wiring. It wasn't some odd trick, or some false memory flashing to life from malfunction. The hot, warm, fuzzy yellowed pelt atop me gave me a wash of certainty and home that I hadn't thought I'd ever truly experience.

   _How?_ Her voice was lost, but she let me sit up, keeping her small frame tucked in my lap. Even with her disbelief, she too sought for the comfort that I knew was reverberating through our bond and back into her. _Sweat and leather left_.

  "He can't come back..." My voice was a soft, audible murmur. "But he's not..." How did I phrase it. He wasn't gone. Clearly, something about the bond between Kellogg and his wolf had stayed programmed in the chip that had been uploaded into my head. Somehow...

   _In you._ Her voice was soft, full of wonder and intelligence. My mind actually gave a glitchy twitch - Noir had been all emotions and rough demands, sweet warmth and affection. She was something altogether different, and the Nick Valentine that I was couldn't coincide the two thoughts into anything that made sense.

  "That's right, Nakoma. In me." Her fur bristled up at hearing her own name coming from someone that wasn't her brother - wasn't but was, all in one. I could feel the confusion bouncing from her and into my mind, and I couldn't help but to follow her along for the ride.

   _How?_  But the question was weaker this time, as though the answer wasn't half as important as the result... because I was here, and she wasn't alone anymore - she'd gone half mad from being alone, because no one had cared for her but Kellogg - he'd kept her tucked safe in his jacket for three weeks, nursing her back to health after the super mutant hounds had attacked her. She would have died without him, and he was her pack - her only pack... and then he'd been taken away.

  But now he was back... but it wasn't really him.

  But it felt like home none-the-less.

  Her thoughts were a barrage of color and scent, blinding emotion against my senses. I pushed myself to my feet, and I held her slender frame in my arms as I did so. "Don't worry. We'll figure this all out. For now, let's not get caught out here by a bunch of raiders. If you want-" I paused. Would she want? What was this bond - would it fade away in time, if Kellogg's memories faded from my mainframe?

  Could they? Even in the back of my mind, I felt his twinge of satisfaction that Nakoma wasn't alone anymore. I felt his _gratitude_ burn through me, and it left me confused, but holding _my sister_ all the tighter in my arms.

   _Home. Please. So tired._ Her body was lighter than Kellogg’s memories remembered. She hadn’t eaten since he’d died.

  “Come on, warrior,” the meaning of her name, and what Kellogg had seen in her all along. What I could see now. “It looks like it’s me and you.”

  She settled against my trenchcoat, burying her nose in the scent of _metal and musk_ , which after all wasn’t so different from _sweat and leather._ If I’d had a heart, it would have been pounding… but as it was, I just bundled her tighter in my coat and headed off to Diamond City - to home. For the first time I felt _whole,_ and it wasn’t just within the figments of a memory. It was tangible and real and in my arms, and I knew I would do _anything_ to keep it safe.  

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [I Dream](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6056385) by [EgoDominusTuus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EgoDominusTuus/pseuds/EgoDominusTuus)




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